Why Do I Keep Self-Sabotaging Myself?

Many things could get in the way of success, productivity, and happiness. We have to direct our self-will, master discipline, and learn to react responsibly to external factors we inevitably encounter, whether in big or small magnitudes. That’s a given when you live in our world.

But, sometimes we’re the ones standing between ourselves and the doors of success, productivity, and happiness. So, let’s talk about self-sabotage. Why do we do that?

What Does Self-Sabotage Mean?

You find love, but you’re used to toxic relationships where cursing at each other is the norm. Deep down, you believe such behaviour is normal because that’s the dynamics of a relationship that your parents and perhaps some neighbours modeled for you.

Fast forward to your adult years, you find a good partner who speaks calmly even when upset, and never has outbursts. You think they are pretending, so you intentionally hurt them to get a reaction. Rather than enjoy peace and healthy communication, you’re seeking the familiar chaos and uproar from your childhood.

Self-sabotage describes a mindset, behaviour, or coping mechanism that prevents or limits your happiness, success, and productivity. These thoughts or behavioural patterns may be subconscious or conscious. However, before someone or something else gets the chance to try to ruin your happiness, you do it yourself.

Why Do I Keep Self-Sabotaging Myself?

Self-sabotage usually stems from wrong beliefs or one-sided truths. If you’re wondering why you tend to stand in the way of your happiness, progress, and peace, here are a few reasons why that might be:

Unresolved past trauma or hurt

Maybe you experienced a traumatic event in the past that hurt you so badly. Perhaps a best friend, partner, or colleague betrayed you, or your parents got divorced.

You subtly or overtly believe that everyone is a pretender who will eventually leave you, and so you close off your heart to people trying to form a closeness with you. Since you’re protecting yourself from getting hurt, you don’t give yourself the chance to fully experience the joy and support from healthy friendships and relationships.

Fear

You’re afraid. You fear failing or the reality of being too successful (and failing at a larger scale). You fear disappointment or rejection, so you don’t actively pursue the things you want. You fear change because you believe the familiar is much better than whatever is out there.

I realized that I fear being too successful because I subtly believe that too much money and influence equal higher chances for moral failures. Fear causes you to avoid trying things with potential for growth as a defense against failure, rejection, disappointment, or even success.

Low self-esteem

Do you feel unworthy of happiness or success? Then you might be suffering from low self-esteem. Maybe you were told while growing up that you aren’t good enough or you’ll never amount to anything, and those comments have seeped into your subconscious.

You don’t believe you have what it takes to be happy, loved, or successful. You see yourself as inadequate, so you either avoid trying to get good things or you overcompensate with people pleasing, which eventually gets you hurt or burned out.

Cognitive Dissonance

Cognitive dissonance is a state where you feel uneasy because your behaviour or experience doesn’t match your beliefs or values. We tend to feel comfortable when we act in consistency with our beliefs.

If you believe that there’s no genuine love in the world, when you find yourself in a loving relationship, you could sabotage that relationship with bad or triggering behaviour just to satisfy your beliefs.

Examples of self-sabotaging behaviour

Imposter syndrome

Do you ever feel like a fraud? Like you don’t deserve a particular success or positive experience. Feeling like a fraud or impostor may cause you to sabotage that opportunity or work so hard to prove that you’re deserving of it, which still sabotages your experience.

Negative self-talk

Do you talk down to yourself? Are there some things you tell yourself that you’d never say to a friend or sibling? “Oh, I’m not good enough, I could never be successful, I don’t deserve happiness, etc.” Being negative about yourself is self-sabotage at its finest.

Isolation

Are you quick to avoid people or close relationships? We all need a healthy community and relationships around us, so intentionally isolating yourself from people is a self-sabotaging behaviour.

Avoiding feedback

Does feedback feel like a threat to your self-worth? I understand, I sometimes feel a negative feedback means I’m not good enough. But feedback allows you to grow, improve, and sometimes, it’s just a reflection of people’s preferences and opinions.

Procrastination

Putting things off till later because it feels uncomfortable or hard to do now. It could be work, a difficult conversation with a spouse, or just cleaning your room. I know procrastination sounds like a behaviour everyone is guilty of, but it is self-sabotaging. It sabotages your growth, productivity, and happiness by putting off actions that’ll help you get there.

Perfectionism

It must be perfect or it won’t be done. Do you set complex goals for yourself and obsess over the tiniest detail? Perfectionist behaviour sabotages the joy of steady progress and improvements. It wants all or nothing. And, in our imperfect world, that might mostly mean getting nothing done.

How To Stop Self-Sabotaging Behaviour

Stopping self-sabotaging behaviour is a continuous, intentional work because something is always trying to weaken our resolve. Here are some things that will help this process:

Self awareness

Identify and acknowledge your thought and behavioural patterns. I acknowledge that I fear being too successful. I want to be comfortable and have a successful career, but I sometimes think, can I handle some level of success and maintain my values as a Christian? So, yeah, be self-aware and call out your questionable beliefs and behaviours.

Be kind and self-compassionate

Be kind and compassionate. Don’t tell yourself things you won’t tell someone you love. Give yourself grace.

“I feel bad because I got rejected from a job I wanted, but I know I’m valuable and I’ll find another opportunity.” “Oh, I was tired and couldn’t complete my tasks today. I’ll rest properly and try again tomorrow.”

Set realistic goals and follow through

Be strategic with goal setting and create a plan to achieve the goals you’ve set for yourself. When you fall off, don’t allow yourself to give up. Wake up the next day with a fresh motivation to try again.

Addressing wrong beliefs

Question your beliefs. Why do you believe a relationship needs chaos to be real? Why do you believe everyone who gets close to you will betray you? Is that the whole truth, or are you seeing things through a broken lens? This process may not be pleasant, but it’s necessary for healing and progress.

Challenge negative thoughts

That voice in your head saying you’re worthless or inadequate because of a negative experience is lying to you. I try to challenge negative self-talk with Bible verses that speak on identity. So, I remind myself that I’m valuable, precious, a royal priesthood, beloved of God.

Challenge negative self-talk with the whole truth. “Yes, my parents' relationship wasn’t great, but mine can and will be better.” “Yes, I failed at this, but I will do better.”

Challenging negativity doesn’t mean your bad experiences weren’t real. It’s aspiring for a higher, better, and healthier reality (which is equally real and more enjoyable), and it all starts from within.

Don’t chase perfection, chase progress

Don’t wait around for the perfect circumstances, or quit trying because every tiny detail isn’t as you’ve envisioned. Are you making progress and moving in the right direction? Then, keep going.

Seek help

Sometimes the process of healing from trauma, past hurts, and wrong beliefs requires the help of a professional. You can speak to a therapist, spiritual leader, or counselor and get them to guide you on a journey of healing and freedom from self-sabotaging behaviour.

Finally, Beloved Reader

Self-sabotage hangs on to one-sided realities. The reality of hurt, rejection, pain, and disappointment. But that cuts off the possibility of good: healing, restoration, acceptance, happiness, joy, love, and success.

Because we live in a broken world, we have to constantly remind ourselves that good exists and we can actively seek it, even though evil is real as well. Cheers to actively seeking and working towards good, wholesome, and successful things without sabotaging yourself.

Thank you for reading through. I hope you enjoyed it. Check out all our other articles here.